5 Times Shinya Suffered Through a Panic Attack Alone
by LinariteLavanya
Summary: Panic attack (noun): a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety. A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions even when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack, or even dying.
1. Chapter 1: The First Time

_A/N: Okay, sooooo...this is a thing that happened. XD This was originally going to be a one-shot, but it sort of exceeded my expectations, so now it's going to be a six-part ficlet. ;D_

 _In any case, this is both my first 5+1 Things fic and also my first fic for the OnS fandom; naturally, it's going to have GureShin at the end (in the final installment), because I am shameless GureShin trash. :P And the chapter titles are bilingual English & Japanese because...why not? *shrugs* ;D_

 _Anyway, basically this was a plot bunny that hopped out at me after reading a whole bunch of Shinya and GureShin fic over the weekend a while back. The general premise is, as the long title states, that Shinya has a few major panic attacks over the course of his life (starting when he first got selected as a candidate by the Hīragi family and continuing on into adulthood, although of course not as frequently). The first five times, he is alone and suffers through the attacks by himself with no support. The sixth time...well, you shall see. ;D (If you need a hint for who shows up and helps our precious Shinya, just remember that GureShin is one of my OTPs.).  
_

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 **Five Times Shinya Suffered Through a Panic Attack Alone (and One Time Someone Showed up to Help)**

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 **はじめて/The First Time  
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The first time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, he doesn't even know that what's happening to him has a name. All he knows is that he's alone, in a cold and unwelcoming examination room, and he feels like the world has tilted sideways.

He can't seem to breathe right, his heart feels like it might literally pound its way out of his chest, and his hands are tingling in a really strange way.

He is five years old, and he has just been selected as a potential candidate for adoption into the prestigious Hīragi family.

At first, when a sharply dressed man in a suit had come to fetch him from his kindergarten class, he had been filled with a sort of nervous excitement. They had told him that he was one of the most gifted children they'd seen so far. And that was good, wasn't it? To be one of the best.

His parents had certainly seemed to think so, when they were called to the school for a brief meeting. He only overheard bits and pieces of what the adults talked about, since they had shuffled him into an adjacent room while they discussed things, and while his mother and father had seemed surprised at first by what the man in the suit was saying, whatever had been said in the meeting room resulted in them looking immeasurably pleased when they came out.

They told him how proud they were of him, and how he needed to continue to work hard and do his best. And then they were just...gone. Leaving him alone with the severe-looking man who worked for the Hīragi family, who quickly ushered him down the hallway and out of the school, wasting no time in bundling him into a sleek sedan that was waiting parked outside.

From there, they went to some sort of medical building. Shinya had watched the scenery as they drove, but after a while things had started to look less and less familiar, so he had turned away from the windows, his stomach twisting, and he hadn't looked up again until they'd arrived at their destination.

"Just a quick physical examination," the man in the suit told him, clearly trying to reassure him but missing the mark by a wide margin simply because of his forbidding expression. "Nothing to worry about at all."

Shinya, starting to feel a little less excited and a little more nervous, had just nodded.

The exam was, as promised, over quickly; they took his vitals, ran a few scans, and that was that.

But then they _left him_ there, _alone_ in the examination room, with no one to talk to and nothing to do other than _think_.

Thinking turned out to be not such a good idea.

And now here he was, shivering and gasping for air as he sat on the edge of the examination table, trying to figure out why he felt like he was about to shake himself to pieces.

It was something about being alone; before, even during the drive here, he'd had company in the form of the suited man. He hadn't been _comfortable_ , precisely, but he hadn't felt...abandoned.

But now, sitting here in this room...it hit him, with the force a ten-ton truck. He was alone. Truly alone. His parents had pretty much handed him over to these people, no arguing, no questions. Granted, he'd always known that their first loyalty was to the Order of the Imperial Demons and that his selection as a candidate was "a great honor" for them...but even so...even so...

 _They're gone_ , he thought, shuddering. _They're gone and I'm alone._ And the gods alone knew what sort of trials faced him in the future. Certainly nothing good; he was young, but not stupid. He knew that he wasn't the only candidate selected. The Hīragi family was looking for the best, and wouldn't have settled for selecting just one child.

No, there were others, he was sure of it. And the thought _terrified_ him, because what did that _mean_? How was the Hīragi family going to choose the truly perfect candidate out of the best children gathered from all of Japan?

And, more importantly, what was going to happen to those who didn't make the cut? All the ones who weren't _the one_...what happened to them?

What was going to happen to _him_ , if he failed to meet their standards?

He doesn't know. He doesn't know, and he's alone, and he just _can't_.

He can't seem to muster up the excitement he'd been feeling earlier, even though he tries. Can't even remember _why_ he was excited in the first place. Can't understand _any_ of this, can't make sense of it anymore.

Instead, his chest is on fire and his vision is going blurry, although whether that's from unshed tears or increasing lack of oxygen he doesn't know. All he knows is that he feels like he's careening wildly out of control even as he just sits on the exam table, shaking and gasping and trying not to cry.

He doesn't know how long he stays like that, his limbs trembling and his cheeks streaked with the tears he'd been trying so hard not to shed, but eventually the worst of the terror subsides, leaving him weak and hollowed out.

 _It's fine_ , he told himself, swallowing hard. _It's fine, I'll be fine._

If he couldn't force himself to truly believe it, well, no one but him would ever know, right?

So he struggled to get control of himself, forcing himself to take in deep breaths of air, trying to calm down and pull himself together before the suited man and the doctor came back.

Thankfully, he was composed by the time they returned a few minutes later. He'd evened out his breathing and scrubbed the tears off his cheeks with the ends of his sleeves. As far as anyone looking at him could tell, he was just patiently waiting, no anxiety or distress to be seen on his face or in his body language.

"We've finished going over the results of your exam," the doctor informed him, exchanging an unreadable look with the man in the suit. "Everything looks great, so you can move on to the next stage of candidacy. Congratulations!"

Shinya sincerely doubted that congratulations were in order, but he didn't let his trepidation show on his face.

Instead, he smiled. "Thank you," he said, the lie tasting like ashes in his mouth. "I'm very honored."


	2. Chapter 2: The Second Occurence

_A/N: Welcome to the second installment in my 5+1 Shinya ficlet. My most sincere and heartfelt thanks to everyone out there who read the first chapter and told me that they wanted more! It means so much to me that you guys are liking this ficlet, you have no idea. :D_

 _Anyway, about this chapter: Shinya's not five years old anymore, but he's still a kid in this chapter (smol Shinya!), so no Guren obviously because they don't meet til high school. Basically it's more angst and suffering for our precious Shinya, because...I'm a terrible person? XD Oh, also this installment's a little longer than the first. ;D Enjoy!_

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 **二番目の発生** **/The Second Occurrence  
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The second time Shinya gets blindsided by a panic attack, it's not long after he's killed for the first time.

At first, right after it had happened, he hadn't felt much of anything. Just...numb. Horrified, in a strange and distant way.

He was seven years old now, and after two years of strength training, endurance training, sorcery training, and just general training hell, the overseers in charge of the facility where the Hīragi adoption candidates were being groomed and monitored had decided that it was time to begin the "elimination fights".

They claimed it was for the greater good, to weed out the weak ones from the ones with true potential.

And it made sense, of course. Once Shinya had arrived at this facility along with all the others (so many that he'd lost count, but there had to have been at least three hundred other boys his age), they had been told that the one who was selected at the end of the five-year selection program would be adopted into the Hīragi family as the eventual spouse of the family's daughter, Mahiru.

The Hīragi family wanted only the strongest and most skilled to add to their prestigious bloodline, and so they were determined to push all the candidates to their limits, both physical and mental.

The first round of elimination fights happened exactly two years after they arrived at the facility, and the selection of candidates to fight was entirely randomized. The best candidates, the worst candidates, the ones that were merely average...their current ranking didn't matter; they were each assigned a number and if your number was called, you fought.

Of the two hundred and fifty who had survived until that point, fifty more were dead by the end of the first two days, and another twenty by the end of the third day. Another fifty or so had lost their fights but not their lives...yet. They were currently laid up in the infirmary, being assessed for whether or not they were still "viable" for the candidacy program.

Shinya fought on the second day, when his number was called along with that of another boy named...Hideki? Hideyoshi? He couldn't remember. And given what had happened, maybe it was better that way.

The fights weren't technically to the death, but when a critical injury or failing to distinguish yourself meant that you would be "terminated" anyway...well, no one was willing to risk their own lives by not going all out against whatever opponent they wound up fighting.

Shinya's fight started off slowly, with both of them feeling each other out, but after the proctor supervising their "test" made a comment about uncertain combatants not being worth the time and trouble it took to oversee them, Shinya abandoned all of his reluctance, and it seemed like his opponent did the same.

Neither of them was willing to be the loser here. Neither of them wanted to die.

But Shinya was better. Stronger, faster, and smarter. He used his quick reflexes and his natural skill with magical talismans to bring the fight to a swift and brutal conclusion; by the time the proctor blew the whistle to signify the end of the fight, the other boy that Shinya had been fighting was...unrecognizable, for lack of a better term.

And at first, Shinya didn't...feel anything, really. He was a little alarmed at how easy it had been to take another person's life...how could it be over so quickly, like a candle being blown out? And there was a sort of vague sense of accomplishment, coupled with an almost crippling sense of relief that he'd won, he'd done it, he wouldn't be eliminated, at least not yet. He'd get to _live_...for at least a little longer.

But once the three days of elimination fights were, and Shinya was left alone with his thoughts...well, he'd already learned that being stuck with only himself for company was not...ideal. He couldn't, at this point, trust any of the other candidates to not stab him in the back if he let his guard down, but even dealing with that was preferable to just sitting alone and stewing in his own thoughts.

He was sitting in his tiny, sterile cell of a bedroom when one of the facility managers came by to inform him that another round of elimination fights would be taking place in another six months, after another stretch of training and smaller, but no less important, assessments.

Shinya stared at the man for a few seconds, his mind thoroughly blank. But then he remembered himself, remembered how he was supposed to act, how he'd decided to behave, and he forced a smile onto his face and thanked the man for the information.

The man looked at him intently for a moment, made one last comment about striving to excel, and then left.

The panic attack hit just a few seconds later, when he started to recall bits and pieces of his elimination fight. The tang of ozone in the air from some of the magical talismans that had been used, the glint off the edge of the dagger he'd been wielding...

The bright red blood covering his hands and the deep gash across the other boy's throat as the light faded from his eyes and his body went limp.

 _I don't even remember his name_ , Shinya thought again, clenching his hands into fists as something sharp and painful flared to life in his chest, stealing his breath away.

This time, at least, Shinya knew what it was, knew what was happening to him. He'd seen it happen to another candidate a year ago, after a survival test involving poisonous snakes had triggered some sort of a meltdown. Shinya had heard the facility overseers discussing it, after the survival test was over. They had called the other boy's hysterical reaction a panic attack, said that it wasn't so surprising, given the circumstances.

But they had also said it was an inexcusable weakness, a vulnerability that could be exploited and therefore couldn't be tolerated.

The boy who'd panicked over the snakes was terminated without warning or comment two days after the survival test, and while Shinya was bizarrely grateful that at least now he had a name to put to the disorder, he had also realized that he could never, _never_ allow himself to slip up.

So he held himself together until he was absolutely sure that the man who'd come to his room was definitely gone from the hallway outside. Then, though, he felt himself start to shatter apart.

It was worse than the last one he'd had, the first attack that had hit two years previously after his initial selection as an adoption candidate.

This time, he felt hot all over one moment and then freezing cold the next, his heart was beating so strong and fast that his ribs hurt and all he could hear was a rushing sound in his ears, and no matter how many times he tried to open his mouth to suck in some much-needed air, all he managed to do was give a gasping, choking wheeze.

He ended up tumbling off his small military cot and onto the hard cement floor, acquiring a few new bruises to add to the collection he'd already had from his elimination fight. He didn't care about more bruises, though; he was too far gone for it even really register.

Shaking and crying and hating himself for it, he curled up into a ball on the ground, wrapping his arms around himself and praying for this terrible paralyzing terror to go away. It wasn't fair for this to be happening to him; he was stronger than this...wasn't he?

 _Maybe I'm not_ , he thought. _Maybe I'm not strong after all. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe soon...I'll be eliminated, too._

It was a train of thought that really didn't help his panic attack in the slightest, so he quickly forced his thoughts to something else. Since the few memories he'd retained of his life before coming here were distant and faded, all he had to draw inspiration from was the last two hellish years of his life here in the facility. As a result, there wasn't anything happy to focus on, but at least he could concentrate on something inane like layout of the first obstacle course he'd been forced to navigate, instead of being stuck in an endless loop of _I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die._

Of course, thinking about that obstacle course got him thinking about the candidates who'd been eliminated for not completing it to their overseers' satisfaction, which dragged his thoughts back to all the others who'd been killed in the elimination fights or terminated afterwards, and that in turn triggered another downward spiral of _I'm not strong enough, I need to get stronger, I need to win, I need to win,_ _ **I can't let myself die here**_ _._

Eventually, however, the worst of the terror began to ebb and recede, to his immense relief.

It still felt like an eternity before the fear strangling him eased up enough for him to become moderately functional again, even though Shinya knew logically that he probably hadn't been incapacitated for more than a few minutes at most. It took some effort, but he managed to heave himself back up onto his cot, his heartbeat finally starting to slow as his breathing began to even out.

 _I have to get stronger_ , he thought as he stared up at the plain white ceiling above his cot. _I need to get stronger, to survive this hell I'm trapped in._

 _I need to_ _ **win**_ _._

And then maybe, just _maybe_ , once he won and was adopted into the Hīragi family...maybe _then_ he would finally be safe. Maybe then he would be able to stop this horrific struggle for survival and not have to smile to hide his pain anymore. Maybe, if he won, he could have a chance to truly _live_ , instead of just surviving.

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 _A/N: My precious baby Shinyaaaa... *sobs* Writing this is breaking my heart into little itty bitty pieces. *sniffles*_  
 _On a more serious note, I truly would appreciate any feedback you guys have to offer; this is, as mentioned previously, my first Owari no Seraph fic, and also my first 5+1 fic, so I'd love to hear what you guys think so far! :)_


	3. Chapter 3: The Third Time

_A/N: Aaaand, hey there! Welcome to the third chapter of this heart-wrenching Shinya ficlet!_

 _This chapter gave me a little more trouble than the last two, mostly just because I had to go back and find a translated version of one of Catastrophe at Sixteen novels as a reference for a couple of things and while I enjoyed re-reading the prologue of the third volume especially, reading that and figuring out how to tweak it just enough to work in well in this fic took some time away from the actual writing of this chapter. XD_

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 **三回目** **/The Third Time  
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The third time Shinya has a major panic attack, it's just after Mahiru has told him that she doesn't love him and will never love him, because she already loves someone else.

What little hope for the future he'd gained after being informed that he was the sole survivor of the candidacy program (after the most hellish five years of his life) came crashing down around him, the struggle for survival now seeming meaningless in the face of Mahiru's simple declaration.

She didn't love him, couldn't love him, and everything, _everything_ he'd done to survive and get to this point was utterly worthless, because in the end none of it mattered. He'd fought _and fought_ _**and fought**_ and _survived_ , but it was all going to fall apart, because she couldn't love him, and he wouldn't be allowed to live if she didn't want him.

And she very clearly did not want him.

"I already have someone I love with all my heart," Mahiru had informed him, her cool and distant voice a disconcerting thing to hear from such a sweet-looking girl. "Therefore, I cannot accept you. I only came here today to tell you that."

Shinya had been at a complete and total loss for how to respond. He hadn't allowed himself to feel much about winning the competition before now; he was intensely relieved to be the last one standing, of course, so relieved to have survived that it was almost painful, but beyond that he hadn't given much thought to what might happen once he met his intended spouse.

He'd vaguely hoped that they'd get along, had once or twice even imagined them leading a happy life together, the sort of life where he didn't have to fight tooth and nail every single day just to keep himself alive, but he'd never, in all his imaginings, envisioned what might happen if she just...didn't want him.

He hadn't been sure what to say at first, but after a little more conversation, he'd rooted out the true reason for why Mahiru had decided to come meet him here at the facility. He'd had a feeling that it hadn't just been to tell him he wasn't needed; she wouldn't be needed to do such a thing herself if that were the case. Someone else would have delivered that message, and Shinya would have been disposed off, just like all the others had been, the ones who hadn't been good enough.

"The person you love," Shinya had said, struggling to keep his voice even and calm, "isn't someone your family would approve of, is it?"

Mahiru had given a small smile. "You're pretty clever, aren't you?"

 _Well, duh_ , Shinya had wanted to say, _I wouldn't have outlived all the others if I wasn't_. But he hadn't said that; he couldn't afford to act so disrespectfully or behave so recklessly, not when his very existence hinged upon this girl.

So instead he had smiled, and asked her precisely what her intention in coming to meet him was. She hadn't deigned to answer him, instead making a comment about how she wanted to be a normal girl, because normal girls could be in love with whoever they liked.

Shinya also wanted to be normal, but couldn't seem to entirely remember what normalcy was actually _like_ ; he'd been drowning in blood and faking smiles for literally half his life, so 'being normal' was an utterly foreign concept to him.

Wanting to _win_ , though...that was an idea he was thoroughly (painfully) intimate with. And the thought that he'd already lost the battle to win Mahiru's heart, long before he'd even had a chance to meet her? Despite fighting and killing and surviving solely for that purpose?

As it turned out, he was maybe a bit of a sore loser. And also hounding him was the idea that he _needed_ to make Mahiru like him, care about him...even just a little. _Something_ , so that he wouldn't be disposed of like an unneeded tool. His determination to survive was stronger than it had ever been, and the possibility of losing his life so easily because of something outside of his control was infuriating and terrifying in equal measure.

He couldn't stand the thought of coming this far, doing all the horrific things he'd done to survive, only to fail the final hurdle because his betrothed already loved another, before he'd even had a chance to prove himself to her.

So he had vowed to try and win her heart, even as she told him repeatedly that he stood no chance whatsoever of winning her affection away from whatever lucky bastard had her unconditional love.

There had been a brief scuffle between them where Mahiru showed him precisely what being a Hīragi meant and why he wasn't even remotely in her league (and gods be damned, but she was fast and strong, stronger even than he was), and Shinya had found himself wondering who could be so impressive as to command _this_ girl's affection.

"The person you love," he had asked then, breaking the tense silence that had descended upon them at the conclusion of their incredibly brief fight, "are they stronger than you?"

Mahiru's expression, previously distant and somewhat cold, had morphed instantly into a smile so bright it was dazzling. "Guren..." she said, her voice full of warmth and longing. "Hmm, I wonder...Let me tell you now, though: whether he's stronger than me or not, I will not change my mind. I will always love Guren, and not you."

Shinya had pasted on the widest smile he could muster up, ignoring the sharp pain lancing through his chest at her words. "Aww, that's no fair," he said, forcing his voice to come out light and cheerful. "It sounds like I really don't stand a chance at all."

Mahiru had laughed, and it was a happy sound. "Probably not," she had agreed. "But Guren...honestly, he might be stronger than me. Yes...I really think he could be much stronger than me."

"And that's why you love him? Because he's stronger than you?"

Mahiru had nodded. "Yes." She had then looked at him intently. "What do you think of that?"

"I think...I think that I understand, at least a little. You...want me to pretend. To play the role of your fiancé until you can be together with the only you truly love. Is that right?"

Mahiru's mouth had curved into a small smile. "You really are a clever one," she had remarked. "Yes, that's precisely right."

"...Very well," Shinya had told her, because what other choice did he have? The only alternative was to refuse her and be slaughtered. "I will play along, for your sake."

Mahiru had beamed, her eyes lighting up again. "That's great!"

They'd spoken a little more, and then she had left, informing him that someone would be along within twenty minutes to escort him to the Hīragi manor.

The overwhelming cascade of terror crashed into him barely thirty seconds after the door closed behind Mahiru, the intensity of it sending him to his knees, his heart racing and his vision swimming.

He'd fought through so much, through a literal hell, never letting his guard down for even a _moment_ , and now... _this._ What he'd thought to be his salvation was just another prison. Just another survival game.

Just another way for him to die, worthless and alone.

It seemed like no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he fought to survive...it seemed like none of it would _ever_ matter. His fate would always be in the hands of someone else. At their whim he would live or die. One word or misstep from Mahiru would see him dead just as surely as a failed candidacy exam.

 _What did I do in a past life_ , he wondered as he collapsed fully to the ground, breath coming in short bursts as his whole body shook, _to deserve this hell I'm living through now?_

He tried to take some deep breaths, like he normally did to calm himself down, but he couldn't quite get his throat working right, so all he really succeeded in doing was to choke on what little air he did manage to suck in. And since he wasn't getting enough air in his lungs, the edges of his sight were starting to go fuzzy and dark, and he was assaulted with a nauseating feeling of vertigo even though he was curled up on the ground.

 _It's fine_ , he told himself, over and over and over again. _It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I'll get through this. I'll survive it._

 _I've survived worse._

He just had to hold on. He could do it. He could. He would smile, bury his pain, hide his desperation, and pretend that everything was fine. He'd done it for five years, he could do it again...for however long was necessary.

As his panic attack eased away, fading under the strength of his renewed resolve, he found himself wondering what Mahiru's Guren was like. _He could be much stronger than me_ , Mahiru had told him, and Mahiru herself was already incredible, like a bright shooting star that dazzled the eye as it shot across the night sky.

Surely the one she loved, this Guren, would be just as spectacular if not more so, burning with passion and shining even brighter than the sun.

Shinya found himself wondering what he would do if he ever met him, this Guren who was loved by Mahiru. As it was now, he couldn't imagine what such a meeting would entail, but that hardly mattered now. Such a thing wasn't likely to occur in the near future, if ever, and he had to focus on his own survival first and foremost.

 _I can do it_ , he told himself again. _I_ _ **will**_ _survive._


	4. Chapter 4: The Fourth Occurrence

_A/N: Okay, so...hi! Sorry for the slight delay in posting this chapter, and also for the fact that it might be a little shorter than the last one; I have some important stuff to do at the Department of Motor Vehicles on Friday (which is tomorrow for me) so that's got me a bit distracted. If you care to know the details, check out the next paragraph, otherwise feel free to skip ahead to the actual chapter content. ;D_

 _So: Long story short, I'm one of those people who never got a driver's license as a teenager, but having one would be kind of handy now that I'm, y'know, a vicenarian (someone in their twenties). But I still need to pass a written test to get my practice permit, and I'm super anxious about it, so the end result is me needing to do some studying and a truly staggering number of practice tests. Whether this will help me on my test tomorrow remains to be seen, but one thing it definitely did was take time away from working on this ficlet, because I couldn't make myself study before I finished writing at least this chapter (I have a tendency to hyper-focus on things, which is sometimes useful but sometimes really not). As a result, I finished the chapter, but it's a bit shorter because I need at least a little time to study later tonight. So...sorry 'bout that! It's still super heart-wrenching if that's any consolation. ;D *toddles off to do more practice tests ad nauseum*  
_

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 **第四の発生** **/The Fourth Occurrence**

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The fourth time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, he is sixteen years old and Mahiru has just defected from the Order of the Imperial Demons.

No one else knows yet, or at least no one in any real position of importance. Only Guren, Guren's friends, and Shinya himself are aware of what truly happened.

The rest of the student body and most of the adults had believed that the act that Mahiru had put on, believed that she'd been kidnapped by a group of ambitious vampires that had attacked their school.

They didn't know that it was all a lie. That Mahiru had betrayed all of them, was playing them all like fools to further her own ambitions. What her true goals were, Shinya didn't know. Despite the two of them feigning affection for each other for the last six year, he and his fiancé weren't particularly close. He didn't know what had motivated Mahiru's actions, couldn't even begin to make a guess.

He vaguely suspected that Guren's arrival at their school had something to do with it. Mahiru had a tendency to behave dramatically and throw caution to the winds whenever Guren was involved, after all.

But Guren himself was clueless as to why Mahiru would choose to align herself with vampires, and Shinya had been able to tell that the shock and hurt and confusion in Guren's vibrant purple eyes was real and sincere, so Shinya hadn't pushed the issue.

Shinya's adoptive family, however...they probably wouldn't be so kind and understanding. They already hated Guren simply because he was the Ichinose heir, the last son of the branch family that was so despisedby the rest of the Hīragi famiy. They wouldn't be delicate at all if they pulled Guren in for questioning about Mahiru's supposed abduction.

Shinya couldn't afford to worry about Guren right now, though, at least not more than he was already (speaking of, what was it about Guren that was so damn fascinating? Shinya couldn't explain it, not even to himself, but he found himself migrating to the other teen's side more often than not, even when Guren expressed only disinterest or outright annoyance at his presence).

As things were now, Shinya had to look out for himself. Because if Mahiru never came home, the Hīragi family certainly wouldn't have any need for her fiancé, would they?

No, there wouldn't be any point to keeping him around any longer, not when they'd made it _very_ explicitly clear ever since his adoption that he was thoroughly expendable. His intelligence and strength were useful, but not enough to justify keeping him around if his original purpose was rendered obsolete.

And so once again, for what felt like the ten thousandth time, his own fate was out of his hands, once again balanced precariously on a knife's edge. At this point, it could really go either way, although Shinya was inclined to think that the most likely path was the one that ended with his own corpse lying on the cold, hard ground, because it was obvious to see that Mahiru had no intention of coming back, regardless of her true goal. And no more Mahiru meant no more Shinya.

He wondered if anyone would even miss him, and had to admit that the answer was 'probably not'. His youngest adoptive sibling, Shinoa, might be upset if something happened to him, because she was too young to remember the day he'd been adopted and brought into the family; she seemed to genuinely view him as her brother, unlike Kureto and Seishirō, who had always treated him with varying levels of contempt and frigidity.

Shinoa wasn't stupid, though; she'd know better than speak out and argue if Tenri, their father, decided that Shinya wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Because familial affection was all well and good during the easy times, but when things got messy it was every man or woman for themselves; self-preservation was second only to ambition in the Hīragi family, and Shinoa, though adorable and loyal, was no exception.

Hell, Shinya himself was certainly no exception, although in his case self-preservation took precedence over pretty much everything else. His existence for the last eleven years had been so precarious that he didn't have any other choice.

So, yes, he was worried about Guren, and about Guren's reaction to Mahiru's departure. But he was _much_ more worried about himself. He was once again one wrong move away from being mercilessly removed from the face of the planet, something that was exponentially more likely given Kureto's mutterings about an investigation into potential traitors.

Shinya, while not a traitor _exactly_ , had certainly entertained traitorous thoughts. And had even made a few traitorous suggestions, albeit only to Guren, who almost certainly shared Shinya's own dislike for the Hīragi family, although Guren had reasons that were drastically different from Shinya's own. Guren loathed the Hīragi family for the role they'd played in his own family's suffering, and for the separation they'd forced between him and Mahiru, way back when they'd met each other as very young children.

Shinya, in sharp contrast, hated his adoptive family for the hell his life had become. From the moment he'd been selected as an adoption candidate, his life had not been his own. He'd been the property of the Hīragi family since the age of five, and he _hated_ it.

But the hate, though burning so hotly that it scorched him from the inside out, still couldn't drown out the fear that was clawing away at his heart and soul. It took absolutely every single iota of strength in his body to navigate his way through the halls of his school to reach an unused classroom that he quickly entered and locked behind him.

The panic attack assaulted him barely thirty seconds after that, and it was even more debilitating than he'd anticipated, as if forcing himself to hold it back until he got to a (mostly) secure location had amplified the intensity.

His knees buckled underneath him so fast that he nearly cracked his head on the corner of a nearby desk; only his sharply honed reflexes, so ingrained into him after over a decade of training and fighting, kept him from concussing himself.

This time, the fear made his muscles seize up, and he curled up into a ball on the floor, feeling disgustingly childish as hot tears of terror and frustration streamed down his cheeks.

 _I hate this_ , he thought, despair swirling dark and strong inside his soul. _No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, or how strong I become, nothing is ever going to change._

 _I am never going to be free of this hell._

 _I_ _ **hate**_ _this._

But even though he hated his life, he was not at all willing to give it up. It was still _his_ life, and he'd fought and clawed and ruthlessly slaughtered his childhood peers to hold on to it. And worthless though his life might be to every single other person around him, even a wretched existence such as the one he had now was preferable to death. _Anything_ was preferable to death, because death meant that everything he'd done until this point had been a terrible, meaningless waste.

 _I can't give up_ , he decided, biting his lower lip so hard that it drew blood, the tang of salty copper sharp and familiar on his tongue. _Not after getting this far. If I give up now...it will all have been for nothing. All the killing, all the struggling...I can't let it end here after all of that._

So what if Mahiru had left and wasn't coming back. Shinya would survive. He _always_ survived. He'd find a way, somehow. Find a reason for the Hīragi to leave him alive, a way to convince them that he still had value outside of his engagement to Mahiru.

He would find a way to ensure his survival. Because the alternative was not something he was willing to accept. Not after everything he'd done to keep himself alive.

He was going to find a way to keep his life, despite everything. He was _not_ going to surrender, not even for a moment. Even if he had to fight and scheme alone with no one watching his back...that was fine, that was something he was used to. At this point, being alone didn't matter, because he didn't know any differently and wasn't entirely willing to take a chance on _trusting_ people (the very notion was ludicrous) when the stakes were so high. Because he might _pretend_ to get along with others, but in truth he was always just waiting for the inevitable back-stabbing that would occur the second he looked away. Trust was something he'd never quite understood, not with the cutthroat childhood he'd had.

But that was fine. He didn't need help, tempting though the notion might be. He hadn't needed help before now, and he would get by just fine without it in the current circumstances (although part of him still wanted to form some sort of partnership with Guren, for some inexplicable reason that Shinya wasn't willing think about right now). It would be difficult, but he'd find a way to do what needed to be done, because he was not going to fail and die without ever having a chance to truly _live_.

 _I can do this_ , Shinya told himself, forcing his breathing to even out and his heart to slow its frantic pounding. _It'll be hard, but I can do it_.

 _I will find a way to keep myself alive._


	5. Chapter 5: The Fifth Occurrence

_A/N: Okay, so there's a bit of a time skip between the last previous chapter and this one. In the last one, Shinya was sixteen, and timeline-wise Chapter 4 took place sometime during the first light novel. This time, Shinya's an adult of nineteen, so it's been a few years after the end of the world and all of that stuff._

 _Despite their relatively young ages here, Shinya is a Major General and Guren is a Lt. Colonel, just like in the manga and anime; I headcanon that this is because a) most of the Order of the Imperial Demons almost certainly died when the virus was released, because canon states that the only ones over fourteen who survived were the ones who had demon contracts, so when JIDA was formed, there was a shortage of other warriors capable of holding such high-ranking positions and b) they are, in fact, just that badass. (Also Shinya's Hīragi status probably helped, too)._

 _Anyway, this chapter involves Shinya having a freak out when Guren doesn't come back on time from a mission. Because I am GureShin trash (I say that with immense pride, by the way), this chapter consequently had a fair amount of Shinya thinking about Guren, worrying about Guren, reflecting on how his life has re-oriented itself from "I must survive at any cost" to "nothing matters but Guren" and so on. You have been warned! ;D_

 _This chapter ends on a slightly less depressing note when compared to the others as well. Because I can't stand writing **constant** heartbreak. XD Also, this is the longest chapter so far! Yay!  
_

* * *

 **五番目の出現** **/The Fifth Occurrence  
**

* * *

The fifth time Shinya has a major panic attack, he's nineteen and a Major General in the Japanese Imperial Demon Army, which had been born from the Order of the Imperials Demons and risen to power after the world had ended (and hadn't that been something out of a horror movie, a deadly virus sweeping across the world and killing any human adult that wasn't bound to a demon).

Strangely, Shinya hadn't panicked over the Apocalypse itself too terribly much; perhaps it was the life he'd led up til that point, or perhaps it was just because he didn't care as long as his friends were safe (and wasn't that bizarre in and of itself, the very thought that someone like him could _have_ friends).

In any case, when the Apocalypse had struck on that fateful Christmas Day three years ago, Shinya hadn't been overly alarmed. He, for whatever reason, couldn't actually _remember_ a good chunk of what had happened that day, but he did know that he hadn't broken down and succumbed to a panic attack. There was a feeling of unease and trepidation whenever he poked at that blank spot in his memory too hard, but no real fear attached to it, at least not the heart-stopping, mind-shattering terror that accompanied his panic attacks.

So why, years later, when he was an officer in the military with an immeasurable amount of live combat experience behind him, was he on the verge of a nervous breakdown just because stupid, infuriating, stubborn Guren hadn't returned from his most recent mission yet?

Seriously. It made no sense. If he could handle the trauma _of the world ending_ , a comrade being late should not even register on his scale of concern. Sure, they were friends, had become fairly close after the hellish events of their earlier teenage years, but to be experiencing this amount of terror just because Guren had missed his check-in time? It was downright absurd.

Then again, there was a lot that didn't make sense when Guren was involved. Shinya had given up on trying to understand why he was so drawn to the Lieutenant Colonel, because he already knew, deep in his heart, why he followed Guren, and it wasn't something he wanted to trouble Guren with, not when the other man was already dealing with so much.

But for Shinya...well, his fate had been sealed from the moment he'd decided to steal a motorcycle at the age of sixteen and go with Guren to investigate the suspicious activities of the Brotherhood of a Thousand Nights. He'd known even as he'd done it that it was a stupid, reckless, and borderline suicidal thing to do.

He was already being monitored by Kureto and the rest of his adoptive family; one wrong move would have him strung up on treason charges faster than he could blink. And it wasn't like he owed Guren anything; Guren's attitude toward Shinya had been one of annoyance and resignation from the start, and he'd displayed only more of the same when Shinya had more or less invited himself along.

But still he'd gone. And when a vampire had shown up and tried to kill them, he'd grabbed Guren and hauled him onto his own bike instead of leaving him behind. It had flown in the face of every single instinct of self-preservation that he'd possessed, had offended that dark side of himself that insisted on looking out for himself and to hell with everyone else, but he'd done it anyway.

Even knowing that helping Guren could result in his death, end the life he'd fought so hard to keep...

Even that hadn't stopped him. Hadn't even slowed him down, really.

And if he had enjoyed that wild and insane motorcycle ride through the city a little more than he probably should have, even with a homicidal vampire chasing them? Well, no one but Shinya had to know that.

In any case, something had fundamentally changed that night. It was like something inside of him had clicked, sliding into focus after years of drifting aimlessly, his only goal before then being simply to survive.

Being with Guren that night...it had been different from what he was used to. It hadn't been the fight with the vampire, or even the possibility of getting killed (the latter was something he was intimately familiar with on a visceral level).

No, it was something different from all of that. It was like he'd been stuck in a dark fog his entire life, and that fog had been burned away under the light of a strong golden sun.

He had felt _alive_ , for the first time since the age of five.

Guren had somehow, somewhere along the way, become the focal point of Shinya's life. His life, which had been so meaningless before, had transformed into something infinitely more meaningful...just because of Guren. Because Guren was there, at Shinya's side and in his heart.

Except right now. Right now...Guren was nowhere to be found, even though he was supposed to have returned over twelve hours ago.

The first hour had passed by without a lot of concern from anyone, Shinya included; delays were just something that happened sometimes, since missions could have unpredictable things crop up.

Guren's most recent assignment was a basic recon patrol, though, so when another hour had passed by without him returning, and then another hour after that and another hour after that...then Shinya had begun to grow worried.

Because while Guren might have had no real care for his own life (Shinya occasionally entertained the notion that there was some sort of martyr complex or self-defeating personality disorder at play there, or perhaps Guren was punishing himself for something Shinya wasn't aware of), he fought hard to stay alive, if for no other reason than to avoid causing trouble and grief for his comrades.

But now, hour after hour has ticked by with nothing to show for it. No Guren. No sign of Guren. No word from Guren.

Nothing.

It occurs to Shinya that maybe this time...maybe this time Guren isn't coming back. Maybe this time he's gone for good, killed by the vampires or by a Horseman. Shinya doesn't want to believe it, because Guren is strong, the strongest person he knows, the strongest person he's ever _met_.

But what other explanation could there be? What other reason could there be for a delay of _over half a damn day_?

Shinya's pretty sure he breaks a land-speed record of some sort sprinting back to his office. He gets more than a few strange looks, because the sense of urgency radiating off of him is, to them, uncharacteristic and bizarre.

He doesn't care. Really, genuinely could not care less what any of them thought of him. The only person whose opinion has ever mattered to him is Guren, and Guren isn't here. (And Guren probably doesn't think much of Shinya anyway, because Shinya goes out of his way to be overly chipper and obnoxious and hide the darkness lurking inside of him, but Shinya doesn't like to dwell on that).

Guren isn't here, the others in their squad are on missions of their own (they'd been temporarily separated from each other for some bullshit reason Kureto had handed down, something that Shinya would find a way to reverse as soon as possible because breaking up a team as effective as theirs was blatantly idiotic in the extreme), and Shinya is _alone_.

There are at least a hundred other people in this same building, yet Shinya is still alone.

 _Story of my life_ , he thinks to himself, letting out a dark chuckle as he finally reaches his office and locks the door behind him.

The panic attack hits him like a charging rhinoceros, and he crumples to the ground so quickly that it's like he's a marionette whose strings have been cut.

The collar of his uniform feels even more constrictive than usual, and he claws at it, trying desperately to suck air into his burning lungs. His vision starts to swim as his heart thumps erratically in his chest, all the horrifying possibilities of what might have happened to Guren playing over and over and over again in his mind.

It's enough to make Shinya want to scream, but he holds it in, forces himself to not let out anything more than a low whimper, because drawing attention to himself will only make things worse. He knows that, knows the sorts of reactions he'll get if anyone finds him like this.

His adoptive siblings had seen him in the aftermath of a panic attack once. It had been a mild one, not one the awful crushing attacks like the one he was having now. But even at a lesser intensity, the attack had still shaken him, and it was like that Seishirō had found him. The asshole had, of course, wasted no time in summoning Kureto, and the thinly veiled disgust they'd both exhibited over his "weakness" had nearly sent Shinya spiraling into another, more severe, panic attack. Because what if they reported his vulnerability to their father? Tenri Hīragi had neither the time nor patience to tolerate a warrior with what he would view as a terrible liability. He would give the order for Shinya to be eliminated, and that would be that.

He'd lucked out, that time. Shinoa, still young but no longer so innocent, had intervened on his behalf, cooking up some half-baked excuse about how she'd cooked Shinya a small meal earlier in the day that had caused him to get sick.

In a mind-boggling turn of events, their brothers had bought Shinoa's story because, as it turned out, Shinoa truly _was_ a terrible cook. Shinya had figured it was just because she was young and inexperienced in the kitchen (Hīragi's weren't meant for menial tasks such as cooking, after all), but Shinoa had assured him quite cheerfully that dealing with food was something she was just genuinely awful at. Then she'd given him a sisterly kiss on the cheek and flounced away to wherever it was she spent her free time.

It was thanks to that little incident, though, that Shinya knew better than to let anyone else near him when he got like this. There wasn't anyone he would trust to be around him when he was completely vulnerable like this, so he didn't dare make a sound that might alert someone to his freak out.

Instead, he clenched his jaw so tightly that he vaguely wondered if he'd crack a tooth, and rode out the attack by himself, like always. It lasts a full fifteen minutes, the longest he'd ever had, and even once the worst of it had passed, it still takes him another forty minutes to pull himself together completely and begin to function on a level moderately close to normal.

Once he's recovered, though, he springs into action. He does a quick mental check-in with Byakkomaru to confirm that his demon is on-board with his latest idea (Byakko is, of course; he and his demon have always gotten along well, a rarity in JIDA), changes into a combat uniform (he'd been stuck in formal meetings all day and had been required to wear a fancier version of his standard uniform that was hell to move in), and sneaks away from Shibuya.

Guren's mission had been to scout for vampire activity in the Oyaguchi area; the protected human settlement in Ikebukuro wasn't far away from Oyaguchi, and some possible vampire sightings had prompted JIDA leadership to send someone to investigate.

That Guren had been sent along with no back-up was something Shinya was still angry about, and he'd first heard about the assignment two weeks ago. He knew that his adoptive family disliked Guren, but there was no denying that his friend was a strong warrior and an asset to their military regime. Sending him on what would be a suicide mission for any other lone operative...it was a level of callousness that disgusted Shinya to the core.

So he had, once his panic attack had passed, decided to remedy that situation himself, by going to join Guren. Guren probably wouldn't need his help, and would almost certainly whine and bitch and complain endlessly about Shinya's annoying interference...but that was fine. Because an irritable Guren was preferable to a dead Guren. As long as Shinya could be with Guren and watch his back...as long as he could help keep Guren alive, nothing else mattered.

As long as Guren was okay, Shinya could pretend that he was okay, too.

He found Guren two hours, forty-seven minutes, and thirty-nine seconds later. True to his predictions, Guren reacted with irritation to his arrival. But his complaints had subsided after a little while, and Guren had, very begrudgingly and without looking at Shinya, thanked him for coming.

Shinya felt a flare of true warmth in his chest, but couldn't seem to find words to say in response that wouldn't sound fake (and even if he did try to be serious, would Guren realize it? Or would he just dismiss it as Shinya's usual jesting?).

So Shinya pasted a smile on his face, said something teasing about how of course he came to find Guren, who else would he come harass when meetings got too boring, and that was that.

Guren, for his part, had hesitated briefly at Shinya's response, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked intently at Shinya, and he'd opened his mouth a bit as if about to say something, only to shake his head and change the topic over to the mission at hand, making a comment about spotting a pair of vampires two blocks over from the abandoned junior high school Shinya had found Guren in.

Shinya wondered briefly what else Guren had been about to say, but dismissed it from his mind; Guren was safe and uninjured, and that was all that mattered. Shinya hadn't been too late. And now he could watch Guren's back, make sure that nothing touched him.

It was a duty he took extremely seriously, more seriously than he took even his own survival at this point.

And when they finally located and cornered the two vampires and brought them down, Shinya felt the lingering tension coiled inside of his chest loosen and fade. The threat was gone (this mission's threat, at least), and now they could return back to Shibuya.

Guren was alive, Shinya was by his side, and they were going home.


	6. Chapter 6: No Longer Alone

_A/N: Aaaaand here it is, the +1 of this 5+1 ficlet! This will be the final chapter of this ficlet, and it involves Shinya having a panic attack, but not having to go through it alone this time...because Guren shows up! Much Gureshin subtext ensues. (Like, seriously, so much. It's not even subtext at this point, really, it's pretty blatant. ;D)._

 _In any case, this time Shinya's in his twenties and having a freak out because it's his birthday and birthday's for Shinya are...not really a happy thing. Read on to learn more! ;D_

 _On a more serious note, before you do go on ahead to the chapter, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your wonderful comments and feedback. This was my first OnS ficlet, and the encouragement I've gotten from everyone has truly meant a lot to me. So...thank you!_

* * *

 **もう一人ではありません** **/No Longer Alone  
**

* * *

The sixth time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, it is November 22nd and he's just turned twenty-three.

Usually in the days leading up to his birthday as well as on the day itself, he keeps himself busy with work. He buries himself in reports and briefings and reconnaissance and does his very best to not think about what day it is, because if he gives himself a chance to think about it, he'll fall apart.

Birthdays for him are not a thing to celebrate. He _hates_ them.

During the five years of hell he'd gone through during his childhood, birthdays had become something vile and horrendous. Because not only had he and the other candidates had to deal with the merciless training regime and the ghastly elimination tests, but also the "games" that the overseers had implemented to "celebrate" each candidate's birthday. And the games were designed for participation from _all_ the candidates, not just the "lucky birthday boy".

Even a day that should have been happy had been turned into another blood-soaked opportunity to prove yourself and show that you were better than all the rest.

The games had involved first an obstacle course so difficult and dangerous that a handful of candidates were critically injured or even killed when they tried to overcome it.

And that hadn't been the end of it. No, once the remaining candidates had made it through the obstacle course, they were then put through a battle tournament not unlike their bi-annual elimination fights.

For every single birthday, they had done this.

By the time Shinya was ten years old and the last one standing, he'd last track of how many people had died on his birthday. How many of those he'd killed himself.

So from that point on, he did whatever he could to get through his birthday without acknowledging that it existed. It had been harder when he was younger, fresh from hell and scared of disappointing his adoptive family. Now that he was an adult, it was easier to find something to occupy his attention. There was a war going on, after all, and he was an important figure in the military; it wasn't hard to throw himself into his work so much that he could forget what day it was. Forget the blood that was on his hands and staining his soul.

This year, though...this year was different. He'd been feeling the darkness creeping up on him even earlier than usual, a couple weeks out from his birthday, and had consequently begun overworking himself even earlier in the month than normal. It had been effective, as always, and for a time the guilt and self-loathing and shame had been kept at bay as he hyper-focused on his work.

But then Seishirō had noticed, had mentioned how hard he working to Kureto, which had in turn led to Kureto giving him a mandatory week of leave, ostensibly so he didn't work himself into an early grave.

He didn't know whether Kureto was being cruel or kind with the forced vacation; on one hand, it was (perhaps) possible that Kureto was exhibiting a modicum of human decency for a change and trying to help his adoptive little brother out...on the other hand, maybe he'd noticed Shinya's tendency towards depression this time of year and was trying to twist the knife a little more. Shinya just didn't know.

And truth be told, at this point he didn't care. He'd briefly tried to argue against the time off, but had been shut down before he could do much more than voice his opposition to the idea. It had been plain to see that there was nothing he could do to change Kureto's mind, so he didn't bother trying.

So instead of trying to argue the decision, he'd given his older brother the brightest smile he could manage and thanked him for his _kindness_.

Then he'd locked himself in his bedroom suite and tried desperately to find something to do that would hold his attention and drown out the memories of screams and begging and death.

There wasn't much to do in his rooms, though. While his bedroom and the adjoining study and bathroom were fairly upscale by most people's standards (albeit smaller and considerably less opulent than the suites of his Hīragi-by-birth siblings), Shinya had never enjoyed spending time there.

Reading, writing, painting, _knitting_...Shinya had tried to pick up any number of hobbies to entertain himself over the years, but he'd never managed to develop any real interest in any of it, not when such activities involved Shinya sitting by himself in his rooms, alone with only his thoughts for company.

Shinya didn't do well alone, he knew that about himself very well by now. Which was why his main "hobby" was spending time with Guren. When he was with Guren, he could just...forget. Forget that his entire life had just been one survival game after another. Forget that he didn't deserve this life he had. Forget all the people he'd killed to come this far.

When he was with Guren, he felt...grounded. Like Guren was his anchor, without which he would be washed away by the bloody shadows of his past. Guren, even at his surliest, was like the sun, bringing with him warmth and hope, even on the worst days.

But there's no Guren with him now.

No, Guren isn't here. He's at one of the many meetings that Shinya can't attend because he's on a forced vacation. He idly wonders if Guren is annoyed by his absence or relieved. Probably at least a little frustrated, since Guren will likely have a harder time dealing with Kureto and the others without Shinya there to lighten the atmosphere and smooth things over.

But that wasn't something he could afford to worry about now. As concerned as he was for Guren (which was in and of itself nothing new, really, he was always concerned about Guren), he had to focus on himself right now, focus on pushing back and the darkness and despair that was creeping up on him and making his heart beat erratically in his chests even as a cold sweat broke out all across his body.

 _Happy birthday_ , the overseers had said to him five times, and each and every time he'd been covered in blood and gore by the end of the day.

 _Happy birthday_ , they'd said to him, after he'd ruthlessly slaughtered his peers just to prolong his own miserable life.

 _Happy birthday_ , they'd told him, looking on with sick pride as he distinguished himself and proved to to be the strongest of all the candidates. _You've done so well_.

 _Happy birthday._

Shinya barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up, disgorging everything he'd eaten or drunk in the last twelve hours. It was with shaking hands that he flushed the toilet and scrubbed at his face with a cold damp washcloth, and it was on trembling legs that he staggered back to his bedroom.

He didn't manage to make it to the bed, his knees giving out about halfway there, leaving him curled up and crying on the hard wooden floor.

And the memories started assaulting him, both familiar faces and faces long forgotten rising up from the recesses of his mind to stare at him with accusing eyes or pitying looks.

The men who had selected and approved him as a candidate all those years ago.

 _"We've finished going over the results of your exam. Everything looks great, so you can move on to the next stage of candidacy. Congratulations!"_

Mahiru, so sweet but also so cold.

 _"I already have someone I love with all my heart. Therefore, I cannot accept you. I only came here today to tell you that."_

" _I will not change my mind. I will always love Guren, and not you."_

Kureto, so stern and rigid and unyielding in his pursuit of power and success.

 _"Since when have I ever needed to rely on you for anything?"_

 _"If you value your life, you'd better stop challenging me in front of my men."_

Seishiro, always cruel and rude and uncaring.

 _"If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it, you stray. You're forgetting your place."_

 _"Ha, looks like you know better than to fight back. You know you're no match for me. The only reason Dad chose you to be Mahiru's fiancé is because you're obedient. You better not forget that."_

The other boys he'd killed growing up, all the ones whose lives he'd ended just so he could keep going, keep surviving. Just so that he could hold on to this worthless life of his.

 _Wait, please, don't kill me! I'm-_

 _No, stop, I don't want to die, I just-_

 _We can find a way to survive together, I know it. If you-_

 _...Just do it._

Shinya had killed them all. All of those other boys that the overseers had put in front of him. Every single one he'd faced off against, he'd slain. He hadn't had any other choice, not if he wanted to survive, but that didn't help ease the guilt that was he was drowning in. The self-hate that was eating him up inside, the hot claws of shame and regret tearing away at what was left of his already-shredded soul.

Distantly, through the deafening pounding of his heart and the ragged gasps of his breathing, he heard someone knock on his door.

He didn't even consider answering it. Even if he'd been physically capable of doing so (and since he was currently prone on the floor that was frankly just not an option), he wouldn't have answered. With Guren stuck in meetings all day and their other friends busy with their own duties, there was absolutely no one of interest to Shinya who could possibly be on the other side of that door.

So he ignored the knocking, and tried to focus on trying to establish a pattern of breathing that didn't make it feel like shards of glass were rattling around inside his lungs.

It wasn't working, though. His attempts to calm himself down, to get some modicum of self-control back...none of it was working. If anything, the panic was getting _worse_ , threatening to crush him under its tremendous weight.

He was so far gone that he didn't immediately notice the sound of his door opening. The sound of a familiar voice exclaiming, "What the hell?!" though... _that_ broke through his haze of fear and pain.

"Guren...?" he whispers, his voice so low and hoarse that he doubted Guren had even heard it.

More importantly, though, how had Guren gotten in? Shinya _was_ really out of it, but he distinctly remembered locking his door, so how...?

 _Ah, that's right_ , he realizes. _Guren has a key._

He could vaguely recall giving Guren a key to his suite a couple years before, accompanied by an invitation to drop by whenever he needed company. Guren had never taken him up on the offer, because it was Guren, and Guren would never admit to needing emotional support unless he was either at a breaking point or incredibly drunk.

And since he'd never visited, Shinya had sort of forgotten that Guren even _had_ the key.

It was painfully, darkly amusing, that Guren would choose _now_ of all times to drop by. Now, when Shinya was broken and weak and pathetic. Now, when he was at his most worthless.

"Shinya, what is it?!" Guren was asking now, his voice tense and worried as he came over to kneel on the ground beside Shinya. "Are you hurt? Is your demon...?"

"Nothing," Shinya manages to gasp out. "It's nothing, I'm fine, just-"

"Shut up, you're obviously not fine," Guren snaps, grabbing at Shinya's shoulder to try and pull him upright, his purple eyes flaring with some unnameable emotion. "Tell me what's wrong!"

"What's...wrong?" Shinya's breath hitches, and he gives a rough chuckle that's borderline hysterical. What _wasn't_ wrong, that would be a much more accurate question.

 _I cannot accept you._

 _I will never love you._

 _When have I ever needed you?_

 _You're forgetting your place._

 _You're no match for me._

 _Happy birthday!_

"Dammit, Shinya, tell me what's wrong!" Guren demands, shaking him and looking torn between fury and fear. "Say something, damn you!"

But Shinya is too far gone for any sort of conversation now, the fear holding him in a vice-grip that left him helpless. His breathing is getting erratic again, and his heart is going so fast and hard that his chest is beginning to actually hurt.

It feels like he really might die this time, just because he's too weak to handle his inner damage.

 _Maybe that's for the best_ , he thinks, scrunching his eyes shut and biting down on his bottom lip so hard that he tastes blood. _Maybe I should just give up..._

Before he can follow that thought through to its conclusion, however, the sensation of someone suddenly tugging him into a tight embrace breaks through his haze of agony.

 _...what?_

Shinya forces his eyes open, and almost flinches when he finds Guren's face barely inches from his own.

"Breathe," Guren says, and it's unmistakably an order, said in that you-are-going-to-do-this-or-I-am-going-to-kick-your-ass voice.

So Shinya breathes carefully, in and out, even though his lungs feel like they've been firebombed. He starts counting in his head as he does it, a trick he'd tried and failed to use during previous panic attacks, but it helps this time, somehow. Maybe it's the way Guren is glaring at him, anxious and expectant all at once, but Shinya finally manages to get his breathing evened out.

Then Guren presses the fingertips of one hand against the pulse point on Shinya's throat and gives a worried scowl. "Your heart-rate is-"

"It's fine," Shinya answers, trying to not sound as shaken as he feels. "It'll slow down in a moment."

And it does, sooner than Shinya anticipated; he thinks it has to do with his current proximity to Guren, the way he can feel Guren's own heart beating strong and steady in his chest because of how close they are to each other right now.

Finally, after what seems like an incredibly awkward and humiliating eternity, Shinya is free from the grip of his panic attack.

He hesitates for a moment, then starts to pull away from Guren. Because surely Guren must be uncomfortable by now; the other man had never been very demonstrative in his affection, never as touchy-feely as Shinya.

Surprisingly, though, Guren doesn't let him go. Doesn't even let him move away by more than a couple inches.

"What," he says, his voice flat, "was _that_?"

Shinya just looks at him, not sure what to say. This is uncharted territory, someone whose opinion he actually really and truly cares about witnessing him shatter apart and then pull himself back together again.

"Answer me, dammit!" Guren snaps, practically snarling it.

Shinya finally settles on how to respond, how to act, and pastes a smile onto his face, because this is what he does, all he knows how to do when he's hurting. "It's really nothing you need to trouble yourself over, Guren," he tells his friend (his everything), forcing his voice to come out light. "It's just something that happens occasionally."

That statement actually seems to make Guren even _more_ angry. "Damn you, Shinya," Guren hisses. "Why didn't you tell me that you..."

"I'm fine, Guren," Shinya tells him, the lie tasting bitter on his tongue. "It's not a big deal. Really. So you don't have to-"

" _Stop it_ ," Guren says now, his voice strained. "Shinya, just... _stop_."

Shinya stares at him blankly. "Stop what?"

"What do mean, 'stop what'?" Guren replies, eyes flashing. "You know what!"

"I really don't-"

"That was not nothing, you idiot!"

"Guren-"

"I know that something's wrong," Guren said, cutting him off yet again. "So stop trying to hide behind a smile." And then, in a lower voice, so quiet that Shinya almost misses hearing it, "I _hate it_ when you do that."

Shinya is so startled by Guren's words that his smile falters, and then falls entirely off his face. "I'm not-"

"You think I don't notice when you're smiling and don't mean it?" Guren demands. "Do you really think I care so little about you that I don't notice when you're upset?"

Honestly? Yes. He knew Guren valued him, as a comrade and friend, but he'd never expected (had never dared to imagine) that he might watch Shinya as closely as Shinya watched him.

No one had ever cared enough about Shinya before to bother learning his tells, those subtle little signs that he couldn't entirely hide, those little looks and expressions that could clue someone in to the fact that all was not well in his head or in his heart.

No one had ever looked at him and _seen_ him, not really.

No one...except, apparently, Guren.

"Shinya, please," Guren is saying now, " _please_ tell me what's wrong."

It's like Shinya's brain has shut down. He doesn't know what to do. How to act or what to say.

No one has ever _cared_ before. He doesn't know how to handle it.

He opens his mouth to say "I'm fine" again, but what comes out instead is "Today is my birthday."

He's not sure who's more surprised by this announcement, himself or Guren.

In any case, his answer seems to throw Guren for a loop; he gives Shinya a confused scowl, like he thinks that maybe Shinya is giving him a bullshit answer, and for one horrifying moment Shinya worries that Guren is going to leave. That Guren will shove him away and leave him here, alone again.

But instead of doing that, Guren just looks at him, purple eyes dark as he seemed to consider Shinya's answer.

"...Explain," Guren says at last, not pushing Shinya away or letting him go.

Shinya opens his mouth again, then closes it.

" _Shinya._ "

"I'm just trying to think of the best way to say it," Shinya protests defensively, squirming in Guren's grip to try and avoid the accusation in those purple eyes.

Guren still doesn't let him go, just glares at him some more. "Don't think about how to say it, you idiot, _just say it_."

Well, when Guren puts it like that it sounds so damnably easy.

But it isn't. Shinya isn't wired for spilling out his vulnerabilities for others to hear and judge, so he just genuinely doesn't know what to say.

This is Guren, though, and for Guren...he's willing to try.

"How much...do you know about my childhood?" he asks at last.

Guren frowns at him, like he's not sure what that has to do with anything, but answers anyway. "Not much," he admits. "I think you told me once that you had to fight a lot, to prove yourself."

Ah, yes, that was right. He had said that, during their freshman year of high school.

" _I was always forced to fight growing up, and told the only thing that mattered was to become strong enough to deserve the Hīragi name."_ That was what he'd told Guren. It seemed like so long ago now.

"I...may have understated things slightly," Shinya admits reluctantly.

Guren's frown deepens. "What do you mean?" he asks, and it seems like he really wants to know. Wants to understand.

So Shinya tells him. He doesn't share every single detail of every single moment, but he tells Guren the important parts, starting from his selection at the age of five and continuing on until he met Mahiru for the first time.

Guren listens without interruption as he tells the horror story of his childhood, and when Shinya starts to cry as he explains why he hates his birthday so much, Guren pulls him close again and holds him tight.

"I'm sorry," Guren whispers. "Shinya, I..." His voice cracks. "I am _so_ sorry."

"It's alright," Shinya croaks out. "I survived it. I'm...I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're _not_ fine," Guren says, pulling away just enough to cup Shinya's face in his hands. "And that's okay, Shinya."

Shinya makes a sound of disagreement, because Guren just doesn't _get_ it, doesn't understand how broken he is, how he just isn't worth it. "No, you don't understand, I-"

"Shinya, _it's okay._ " Guren leans forward so that their foreheads are touching. "You don't need to be fine all the time. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be in pain." His voice now is barely audible. "It's okay to let someone _see_ you."

Shinya swallows hard, feeling embarrassed because suddenly he's crying _again_ , and he hates that.

"Shh," Guren murmurs, brushing the tears from his cheeks. "It's okay, Shinya."

"No, it's not!" Shinya snaps, trying to pull away. "How do you not hate me like this, I'm pathetic!"

Guren gives him a glare so fierce that it scorches his soul. "Don't you _ever_ ," he growls, "say that again."

"Guren-"

"I'm serious," Guren says, his voice and expression softening. "You are the strongest person I know, Shinya. Don't talk about yourself like that."

Shinya scoffs, because that is the single most ridiculous thing he's ever heard in his life. "I'm not strong, Guren."

"You are," Guren insists. "You don't see yourself clearly," he continues, ignoring Shinya doubtful expression. "You don't see yourself the way I do, Shinya." He tilts his head up and presses a gentle barely-there kiss to Shinya's forehead, the action causing Shinya's heart to leap in his chest. "You _are_ strong."

Shinya is once more at a loss for words. Guren has, yet again, rendered him speechless.

He finds that this time...this time he doesn't mind as much.

Finally, though, he searches his heart and finds words that he hopes will let Guren know how very much he just helped. Words that will let other man know that he, miraculously, has given Shinya something he thought he'd never have.

"Guren..."

"What?"

" **.** _ **..Thank you.**_ "


End file.
